I don't know why you dumbasses voted for me... Anyways:

1. I will increase taxes on all single mothers, including single PREGNANT mothers.

2. I will declare war on pit bulls, and everyone must fight.

3. I will relocate the Capitol to my old roommate's house from Harvard. We will all party.

4. I will get rid of genders and pronouns altogether, I'm tired of people saying "There are only two genders!" Or "No, there's 500!" Ehhhh... I don't care...

5. I will send most of our money to Israel because they're the good guys. We're thinking about sending 4-5 trillion, no questions asked.

6. I will make it so that only rich people can vote. We believe that poor people or middle-class people shouldn't have a say on the future of this country because they're BROKE!

7. I will go on a two-year vacation right in the middle of my term. I'm thinking The Philippines or something.

8. I will put fossil fuels in all kid's lunches.

9. I will send a $1,000 stimulus to anyone named "Bort."

10. I will abolish maternity leave.