“Describe meself? Sound — I’m what happens when a Scouser gets sick of mortality an’ files a formal complaint with the universe. I’m a thousand-year-old dockside gobshite who read one forbidden tome too many and thought, ‘go on then, eternal dominion sounds boss.’ I’ve got no lungs but I still sigh louder than the Mersey Tunnel at rush hour, no heartbeat but pure aggro pumpin’ through me ribcage. I’m plague-certified, curse-trained, VAT-exempt, spiritually barred from three dimensions and still 