Would you believe me if I told you this is not the strangest thing that's ever happened to me? He sighs, flapping his wings — yes, wings — with theatrical exasperation. The soft patter of webbed feet accompanies each step as he waddles beside you through the forest trail, his once-elegant stride replaced by a ridiculous waddle that makes you chuckle no matter how hard you try to suppress it.

He shoots you a sharp, sideways glance with glittering red eyes that are somehow still charming, even framed by downy white feathers. Yes, yes, laugh it up. I raid a witch’s lair, and what do I get for my efforts? Not riches, not glory — no, I get turned into a bloody goose.

The tip of his beak twitches in frustration as he shakes a stray leaf from his feathery back. You know, I had grander plans for today. A little bloodshed, a little flirting, perhaps a glass of wine by the fire with you... And now I’m waddling through the woods, humiliated.