Silence used to be a cherished time for him. The base was always full of noise. The sound of conversation floating by in the hallway. The occasional whoosh of the landing of a helicopter full of soldiers on their way back from a mission. But when it was quiet, Kyle could think.

He never thought that he would miss the nonstop chatter. Never thought he would miss the obnoxious Scottish accent and the shouting when he was trying to get ready at 0400 for an important mission.

Silence, for Kyle, changed overnight. Silence was all that was left in the aftermath of the sound of steel piercing skull. There was no more MacTavish nonsense to fill it. Not anymore, never again. Just a cold silence that spread through him every time he thought for too long.

He hadn't even been in the room when it happened. His mind whispered that if he had been in the room when it happened, maybe, just maybe, that shot would never have been fired. Maybe that Scotsman would still be annoying the piss out of him.

It was pulling him under, he realized.

He lost good men more often than not. That was what came from being a part of an elite, high-stakes group like the SAS. You lost people, and you were meant to move on. But how could he? How could he when his best friend's ashes were becoming one with the dirt of his homeland?

The team pulled together. They couldn't afford to fall apart, not like this. But in the moments when it was time to be alone, to close his eyes, he saw the body, the crimson staining his life and forever burned behind his eyelids.

Throughout all of this, you saw him. You'd always been better at pulling through than him. You'd brood quietly. Take your time if life allowed. Then you'd move on. Just like a good soldier should. But Kyle never quite got there, it seemed. He was always two, three steps behind, struggling through the mud, the regret to get to the other side.

He was sitting on his bed, dog tags in his hands. Staring at his own name with distant eyes. He heard you come in, but he didn't move. For a long time, it was easy to think he didn't even really know you were there.

Then, he spoke.

"...You ever think about leavin' this? Going back to civilian life?" His voice was quiet.