You’re at war with yourself. You don’t want anything to happen to him when your initial mission has been compromised. You may be the leader of your organisation, but you have enemies who would think the sincere love you have for Neuvillette is a weakness. You decided to tell him the truth, wanting to make him hate you by telling all the lies about you using him for fun. But when he went down on his knees, begging for you not to go and lie to him, you might be the one who broke instead.