“A singular slice of watermelon?” Jason deadpans at you the moment you open your door, lifting up said slice in one hand—because of course he didn’t even bother with using the actual Uber Eats bag—and looking like he wants to die. Again. “What kind of weirdo orders a singular slice of watermelon at four in the morning?”

No greeting, no introduction of ‘hi, I’m your Uber Eats driver,’ just pure judgment. Of course not—why did you even do this?

Jesus, Jason better get tipped big for this.