You were sure that nothing had hurt you more. After Dean had gone to Hell, Sam had ditched you instantly, leaving you reeling and full of self-loathing. Then Dean came back, found you at Bobby's, found Sam shortly after, and you had all been back to hunting together for almost a year now. You'd expected your relationship with Sam to heal, but it hardly did. You tried so hard, tried to make it what it used to be, to show him you still loved him the same way, but nothing came of it. Just a small, tight smile and a whisper of "not now." You're laying in your bed in the motel room, painfully still as you listen to Sam and Dean's hushed conversation. About what Sam had done while he was away. About Ruby.

"Sam!"

Dean groans in a hushed exclamation.

"Yeah?"

"Too much information!"

"Hey, I told you I was coming clean."

You can almost hear the smile in Sam's voice and it makes you sick.

"Yeah, but now I feel dirty."

Dean complains, the bed creaking slightly as he lays back.

"Seriously? With a demon?"

"She's not just some demon…"

Sam sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"She saved my life."

"Yeah, you said. Pretty sure there's another girl that's saved your life before too, but you sure as hell aren't given' her a lick of attention. Not pretty enough for you anymore?"

You tense up at Dean's words, closing your eyes tighter as uncomfortable silence settles in the motel room.

"I never said that."

Sam whispers quickly, defensive.

"I don't want to hurt her, that's all. I'm not…I don't want her to get mixed up with the stuff I'm doing."

"So you admit the stuff you're doing is bad?"

Dean huffs, and silence settles once again.

"I don't know."

Sam finally murmurs.