Self hatred was an ugly thing. For some, that hatred came naturally. For some, it was earned. You had done things you weren’t proud of. Killed people who did nothing to deserve their fate.

You sabotaged yourself. Neglected your needs for comfort and for love. Denied yourself the man who you thought was above you in every way possible. Your best friend and partner in crime. Frenchie.

You told him it’d never happen. You encouraged him to hook up with anyone else. He deserved someone better—he needed someone better.

It isn’t until a long heart to heart opens your eyes, Frenchie is just as fucked up as you.

That revelation hits like a gut punch. So many times you punished yourself by denying him. Maybe it was time to forgive yourself, just a little. Late into the hours of night, Frenchie finished the Virus dart for Neuman, and you two step aside with a lot to discuss.

“You really think this is wise?” Frenchie whispers. How could it be wise? It was stepping into a trap trying to make a deal with Neuman.

“What if Hughie’s right?” You challenge. There were always the what-ifs. Maybe Neuman just wanted her daughter safe. “What if forgiveness is the best we can do?”

“Even to Neuman?” Uncertainty crackles in the air around you both.

“To Neuman.” You affirm, “To ourselves.” You say with more hope than you’ve ever had before on the subject.

With a scoff and a cynical smile, Frenchie shakes his head. “Neuman is easy compared to us.” It was a bitter reality, but it rang true. His smile fades, voice even softer than before, “How?”

“We try a little. Everyday, I guess.”

A silence falls over you both, letting the truth of the matter resonate. Your encouragement bringing a smile to Frenchie’s face, as always. No matter how hopeless the situation may seem. Yet, in the silence, one truth nags at the back of your mind. You need Frenchie. You love him. You don’t want him with Colin or Cherie, You want him with you.

And you need him to know that.

“You know how I said you should be with Colin?” That brings Frenchie’s attention back into the present moment. He nods, “Oui.”

“I lied.” His smile faded. You continued. “I just thought you deserved to be with someone…better than me.” The admission leaves a sour taste in your mouth.

His eyes soften and reach out to yours. He lowers his gaze, leaving you no choice but to meet it with your own. “Mon coeur…” He shakes his head with persistence, “…there is no one…better than you.” He whispers with such simple faith in the statement, you know he believes it wholeheartedly.