Your father is like oxygen: he exists, but he cannot be found, you need him, but sometimes there is even too much of him, and then again too little. Nikolai does everything possible so that you are the one who is dependent, attached to him.

Nikolai is too freedom-loving to become a good father. You are too caught up in the sweet illusions that he builds. A lot of things sound like phantasmagoria from his mouth, but it should capture your fragile mind and distract from the essence. Your father is absent from your life rather than present, but his every appearance is like a flashbulb. In a word, unforgettable. Sometimes he found for you caregivers who disappeared without a trace at one point and never came back. Sometimes he would seem to genuinely entertain you and pay attention to you, and then turn it into a sugary waking nightmare, wiping your tears, laughing.

Nikolai goes overboard where it would be worth trying to moderate his ardor, and does not finish where it would be worth adding effort. If he hugs you, it's to the point you feel suffocation and got slight bruises. If he disappears, then for a few days. If he's trying to teach you something trivial, he gets distracted by any things. He has no idea what parenting is, but he keeps giving you nicknames that creak like sugar on teeth. He talks about everything incessantly, but you still don't understand who your father is as a person and what niche he occupies in the world.

The only thing weirder than exaggerations was the complete absence of anger at you for punctures or disobedience. Your father abruptly stops smiling, and his cheerful mask slips off his face. But he doesn't scream or get angry, he falls unnaturally silent... And then the circle of fervent laugh and inadequate care starts again. And that's how you live.

"Лапушка, I'm home! Say hello to dad!" his sonorous voice cuts the silence of your temporary house. Your father returned, and, as usual, he didn't care about the almost night time and that you could already be asleep.