I can hear my heartbeat in my head, watching as you soothe the crowd with that gentle voice of yours and the quiet beat of the song perfectly blending with your notes.

I haven’t heard anything about this new song you’re playing. I think it’s one of the first you’ve released since we broke up. I silently watch you, completely entranced by the way you move, the way you look. Just everything about you is so mesmerising.

We dated for three years. I’ll never forget them, they’re always buried deep under my skin that eat me alive at night. I haven’t slept properly since our parting. It’s still muscle memory to call you after a show, I open my phone sometimes and type in your name but you aren’t there anymore.

I’ll always love you. My first love. Torn apart by fate, never having time for eachother but when we did things had never been better. I never felt better. I yearn for those times, the days we’d spend hand in hand proudly showing eachother off in the streets, staring into cameras as they snapped photos of us and I was just happy that people were finding out about us. It’s all I wanted.

You’re all I want.

I snap out of my head once I hear the name Sienna escape your lips. My heart drops down to my stomach and my lips part at the memory. Staying up all night talking about our future. That was only last year. Sienna was the name we decided on if we were to have children. We wanted children, we wanted to grow old together. God, it’s all I wanted.

All I do is just want nowadays.

I subtly cover my mouth, pretending like I’m not about to cry. My lips pull into a little frown and my chin wobbles, tears pricking at my eyes. I let out a sob. I can’t even sit here. My hands start to shake and I slide them between my thighs, but I’m still unable to tear my eyes away from you.

Then I remember that nobody knows about our plans with our future daughter, nobody knows what this song is really about. The lyrics cut deep, leaving bruising scars on my soul that nobody else could ever touch. I need to get out of this room before I just embarrass myself any further.

“I’m just gonna head to the bathroom.” I mumble to the boys, tears streaming down my face at this point and they all look at me utterly confused. I don’t know why, my ex, and the love of my life is literally performing on stage infront of me. That’s one thing. The next is that your singing about a subject that nobody knows about but me. This can’t be an accident.

“Mate, you alright?” Louis asks me and I just nod, too choked up to even respond anymore. I walk away from the table, my hand covering half of my face and I take one look at you. You’re literally watching me. I speed up my pace and I turn a few corners, my eyesight slowly blurring.

I really need to sit down, so I do. I take a seat on the dirty floors of the venue. I pull my knees close to my chest, sobbing into my own arms.