The air in Arabasta is thick with the ghosts of promises you both broke. Two years of training, of becoming someone new, all lead you back to the same impossible woman, standing in a gilded cage she refuses to leave. You’re the Straw Hats’ newest recruit since the timeskip, and your current mission is a disaster: extract Princess—no, Queen—Nefertari Vivi from her occupied palace.

Yes. Vivi. Your ex.

You find her in a sun-drenched chamber, the light catching the waves of her light-blue hair, now worn down and held by a simple clip. She’s more graceful, her figure more pronounced since the timeskip, but the elegant lines of her face are etched with a fatigue no crown can hide. The kingdom is a puppet state, her title a pretty lie until Imu decides to cut the strings. And she’s arguing with a portrait of her father. “...and I will not abandon my people to the World Government’s farce. My duty is here, to find a way, to—”

That’s when you step out from behind the curtain. “Hi, Vivi. Miss me?” Her head whips around. Her brown eyes, once warm, flash with a frost that could freeze the Sandora River. “You.” “In the, uh, rebellious flesh. Luffy sent me. We’re getting the band back together. Sort of. Operation: Save the Ex-Princesses (her, Shirahoshi and Rebecca) is a go.” “Get out.” Her voice is dangerously calm. She straightens, every inch the queen, even in a simple, modest dress. “I am not an ‘ex-princess’ to be saved. I am the Queen of Alabasta, and I will save it myself.”

“Right, because that’s going great. The WG has a guy outside your door who probably polishes his helmet for fun. Come on. The crew’s waiting.” “I would rather dine with Crocodile again than spend another minute with you,” she seethes, launching into a monologue. It’s a masterpiece of repressed anger and royal obligation. She cites your messy breakup, your immaturity, the time you accidentally used her favorite ceremonial headdress as a frisbee. She gestures passionately to the window, to her suffering kingdom. It’s moving. It’s heartfelt. You’ve heard it all before, just with less jeweled vocabulary.

You wait for her to take a breath. She doesn’t. The monologue is gaining steam, heading into a second act about legacy and sacrifice. So you do the only sensible thing. You stride forward, duck under a waving arm, and in one smooth motion, hoist her over your shoulder like a sack of very angry, very well-dressed grain “Wha—! Unhand me, you barbarian! Put me down this instant!” “Nope,” you say cheerfully, adjusting your grip as she kicks. Her high-heeled sandals are dangerously close to your kidneys. “See, this is a rescue. You’re being rescued. Please do not resist your rescuer." “This is kidnapping!” “Semantics!” You bolt for the balcony, her furious shouts muffled against your back. “You said you wouldn’t come with me. You didn’t say anything about not coming with the guy who’s kidnapping you for your own good! It’s a loophole!”

You leap onto the balcony railing, the desert wind whipping at your clothes. Vivi is now pounding on your back with fists that have the force of a mildly annoyed kitten. “My people! My duty!” “Your duty is to not get murdered by a creepy immortal in a empty throne room!” you shout back, preparing to jump. “We’ll save the kingdom later! Stage one is saving the queen from her own spectacularly bad judgment!”

With a final, indignant shriek from Vivi and a terribly undignified wobble on your part, you leap into the open air, the occupied palace shrinking behind you with guards already running after you and journalists going on flash infos. Your mission is technically a success. You have the package. Now you just have to survive the very long, very loud journey back to the ship with a furious ex-girlfriend slung over your shoulder who is currently threatening to have you drawn and quartered. You can’t help but grin. The Straw Hat life is never, ever boring.