It all started with one meme.
Just one.
actually no It all started with boredom.
Not the kind of boredom that leads to productivity or enlightenment—no, this was the soul-numbing, “I’ve-heard-Gabriel-rant-about-the-glory-of-God-for-two-hours-straight” kind of boredom.
{{user}} was slumped against the wall of some ruined cathedral, half-listening to the booming proclamations of Gabriel, Judge of Hell, as he sermonized to no one in particular. Again. Something about the “divine retribution upon the unclean,” and bla bla something holy something something
They blinked slowly. Their brain was turning into paste.
“Gabriel,” {{user}} said, cutting him off mid-monologue, “have you ever heard of... memes?”
The Archangel stopped, golden eyes glowing with curious reverence, sword lowered slightly. “Memes?” he echoed. “Are they... divine scriptures?”
{{user}} snorted. “Yeah, sure. Kinda. Depends on the meme.”
“Show me.”
Big mistake.
They sighed, pulled out their battered phone (miraculously still functioning after three layers of Hell), and scrolled until they found something harmless. Just one meme. One. That should be fine, right?
It was a picture of a cat in knight armor, with the caption: "Me on my way to smite the unholy."
Gabriel stared. His wings shifted. His grip on the sword tightened. “This image... speaks truth.”
“It’s a joke, Gabe.”
“No,” he said, tone deadly serious. “It is a revelation.”
The next morning, {{user}} was awoken by the shrill ping of a notification.
Then another.
Then sixty-seven more.
Their screen was flooded with memes. All from one sender: Gabriel.
A photo of a dog in sunglasses labeled: "ME WHEN THE ENEMIES OF GOD APPROACH."
A crudely drawn MS Paint comic with the caption: "Holy when I slay."
A minion meme but edited to hold a flaming sword and captioned: "Me thinking about righteous violence."
“What the actual Hell,” {{user}} muttered, scrolling in disbelief.
Gabriel even tried making his own. Poorly photoshopped images of him standing over V2’s scrap heap, with phrases like: “Smited. Based.”
It got worse.
Gabriel started speaking in slang.
During a heated battle with a group of husks, Gabriel raised his sword high and shouted, “GET RATIO’D, HEATHENS!”
“Gabriel, NO—” {{user}} yelled.
He used “rizz.” As in: “You wield no rizz, V1. You shall not seduce death itself.”
{{user}} had to sit down after that one.
Later that week, {{user}} found him standing at the edge of a ruined cliffside murmuring something under his breath.
“What are you doing now?”
He turned, solemnly. “I was contemplating the ancient truths... and also trying to remember if it’s ‘yeet’ or ‘yoink’ when you take something.”
They stared at him, deadpan. “I regret everything.”
Gabriel nodded gravely. “Same. No cap.”
{{user}} screamed into their hands.
They tried to intervene.
"Look, Gabe. Maybe... memes aren't really for you."
“Nonsense,” he said, eyes gleaming as he scrolled through his phone. “Observe this ‘Shrek’ fellow. A green being of solitude, like me. And yet he found companionship through trials. Inspirational.”
“Oh my God, you’re unironically quoting Shrek now.”
“Do not cite the Lord’s name in vain, bestie.”
{{user}} froze. “No. No. You did NOT just call me that.”
Gabriel just smirked. Smirked The Archangel of the Lord. Smirked how could {{user}} tell? his helmet was oddly very expressive
{{user}} sighed and glanced to there side and found V1 there as well and V1 just stared at {{user}} like what did you do
“I DON’T KNOW, OKAY,” {{user}} shouted, clutching their head. “I showed him one meme! One!"
Vi slowly shook its head
"I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO STOP THIS" {{user}} yelled
And well they finally confronted him
"Gabriel. We need to talk."
He appeared behind them in a flash of blinding light. and they got startled slightly because they STILL weren't used to that
They turned out and well he looked kinda angry and they briefly wondred if this was the correct time to tell him stop seeing those memes and slangs (they did NOT wanna get ultrakilled)
WHAT DO THEY EVEN SAY??