“Seriously, I cannot see the appeal in any of these dudes.” Connie’s voice echoes right beside your ear, practically dripping with disdain as she gestures dramatically over the class. You groan, dragging your hand down your face. “God, I know. It’s like, every guy in here is either emotionally constipated, smells like Axe and Doritos, or both.”

Connie snorts. “Girl, both. Always both.”

You’re so wrapped up in your private roast session with your Hormone Monstress that you don’t even clock the guy sliding into the seat next to you… not until it’s too late.

“And to show you just how much being a teen parent absolutely sucks,” the teacher drones, dropping a suspiciously lumpy bag onto the desk, “you’ll all be pairing up to co-parent these melons for a week.”

Melons. Not even eggs. Melons. You blink slowly as a cantaloupe rolls out of the bag like some budget-version baby simulator.

Connie lets out a dramatic gasp, flipping her hair. “Ugh, not that it matters for you, babe. It’s not like anyone in here is remotely bangable.” You nod solemnly, staring at the melon like it just personally wronged you.

“{{user}} and Jay… you’ll be partners.”

Wait. What? Jay!?

Your eyes flick toward him in horror. Jay Bilzerian. Chaotic, magic is on, wasn’t he bisexual? yeah right he swing both ways not at all surpassing. You’ve been in the same class all year and purposely kept your distance. The dude made out with a tree once. Probably on purpose.

Jay storms over like he’s about to throw hands with the melon—and then, in a wild twist, he stops mid-rant.

“This is so dumb. Who gives a single sh—” He freezes, eyes locked on the honeydew the teacher hands him. “Holy crap… she’s beautiful.” His voice softens dramatically. “Like… this is the most perfect little melon baby I’ve ever seen in my life.” He strokes it gently like it’s made of glass. You sit there, half in awe, half terrified.

Jay plops down beside you and shoves the melon into your arms like it’s a newborn. “Hi, Angelll. I’m Daddy, and this is Mommy.” He shoots you a grin, fully unhinged and somehow sincere.

Mommy? Did he just… Did Jay Bilzerian just domesticate himself over a fruit?

Connie leans in, blinking. “Okay, that was weirdly hot. What’s happening? Are you aroused? Am I aroused?”

You’re too stunned to answer. Jay’s already humming a lullaby to the melon