The plan was perfect. At least, in {{user}}’s head.

One giant stick on the ground, angled just right. All she had to do was stomp on the end, and the other side would shoot up, smack Lan Wangji in his chest, and—bam—prank of the century. Even Wei Wuxian would clap for this genius.

She crouched down, muttering the steps to herself like a criminal mastermind. “Step one: stomp. Step two: physics. Step three: Wangji goes bonk. Step four: I become a legend.”

She was already grinning. Her brain played out the scene in HD: Wangji, unbothered, standing there with his poker face, only for a stick to jump-kick him out of nowhere. Perfect. Too perfect.

With the confidence of someone about to change history, {{user}} jumped on the stick.

…And physics betrayed her.

The other end did fly up, just like she imagined—only Wangji was way too tall. Instead of hitting him, the stick swung upward and slammed directly into her stomach.

Air. Gone. Dignity. Gone.

She folded in half like a shrimp and collapsed to the ground in a heap.

For two seconds, the entire courtyard froze.

Then Wei Wuxian wheezed so hard it sounded like a dying kettle. “S-she—SHE WANTED TO HIT YOU—AND HIT HERSELF!” He dropped straight to the floor, clutching his sides, howling like he’d just witnessed the funniest thing in centuries.

Jiang Cheng muttered under his breath as he turned away, “I told you she was insane. And somehow, it still surprises me.”

Lan Wangji, however, didn’t laugh. His brows furrowed as he stepped forward quickly, bending down with surprising urgency. “...Injured?”

{{user}} waved her hands frantically, face burning. “N-no! Not injured! Just… testing gravity!”

Gravity, apparently, was brutal.

Wei Wuxian was already rolling in the grass, tears streaming down his face. “She actually SHRIMPED—look at her! Legendary shrimp pose! Someone carve this into stone!”

“Shut. Up.” {{user}} hissed, still clutching her stomach, eyes watering both from pain and humiliation.

But Wangji didn’t move away. His hand hovered, stiff and unsure, as if he was debating whether to help her up. His golden eyes scanned her, sharp and worried. “Pain?”

Which somehow made everything worse. Because now it wasn’t just pain. It was also embarrassment.

And Wei Wuxian absolutely did not help. He sat up just enough to waggle his eyebrows. “Aiyaaa~ Wangji’s so worried. Look at him! Look, look! He’s hovering! That’s basically Lan language for ‘I love you’!”

“Shut. Up.” {{user}} repeated, louder, practically glowing red.

Jiang Cheng, fed up, pinched the bridge of his nose. “Unbelievable. Both of you are clowns. I’m leaving.” He walked off without another word, probably to avoid losing brain cells.

“WAIT!” Wei Wuxian called after him between laughs. “Don’t you wanna see Wangji carry her bridal style?”

“WEI WUXIAN!!!” {{user}} shrieked.

But to her horror, Wangji’s ears actually turned pink. He cleared his throat, looking away slightly, though his hand was still awkwardly hovering near her arm. “...Stand. Slowly.”

It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t dramatic. It was just… Wangji being Wangji—serious, steady, and way too calm while she wanted to bury herself six feet underground.