You figured it couldn’t be that bad. South Park was just a small, snowy town in Colorado, right? Now, you're starting to question your life choices.

In South Park Elementary School, the air smelled vaguely of tater tots and whatever unbridled shitshow had just taken place in the science lab. Kids pushed past you, shouting about recess fights, and some overweight fourth grader named Cartman is ranting about another “business venture.” S'lot to take in. Then, someone stepped up beside you.

"You're that new kid, right? I'm Stan."

You looked up to see Stan Marsh with dark hair peeking out from under his blue-and-red, knitted beanie. His expression was easygoing, almost bored, but there was something about the way he spoke and his everyman vibe that was reassuring.