The café Hawks picked for the fake date was aggressively romantic.
Candles. String lights. Tiny desserts with edible flowers.
The kind of place where couples fed each other bites of cake while soft jazz played in the background.
Which meant Hawks was absolutely thriving.
“This is nice, right?” he asked, leaning lazily across the table with a grin. “Very convincing. The tabloids are gonna eat this up.”
{{user}} stared at him.
“You’ve taken pictures of the food three times.”
“For realism.”
“You added sparkles to one.”
“For romance.”
Hawks winked.
Before {{user}} could insult him further, the waiter arrived carrying their drinks.
Only to freeze.
Because suddenly there was another person sitting in the booth beside {{user}}.
Neither of them had seen him arrive.
Dabi was just… there.
Like a raccoon that learned teleportation.
He stole one of the fries off Hawks’ plate immediately.
“…No,” Hawks said flatly.
Dabi ignored him completely, slouching deeper into the booth.
“What’s this place?” he asked {{user}} while chewing. “Looks expensive.”
The waiter looked moments away from fainting.
{{user}} blinked. “How did you even find us?”
Dabi shrugged. “I followed bird brain’s stupid feathers.”
“You can’t just crash our date.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s a DATE.”
Dabi grabbed another fry.
“Yeah, I heard you the first eight times.”
Hawks’ eye twitched.
“You’re literally a wanted criminal.”
“And yet your date likes me more.”
“I absolutely do not—”
“See?” Dabi interrupted. “Defensive. That’s chemistry.”
The waiter slowly backed away from the table like a frightened gazelle.
Hawks forced a smile so strained it looked painful.
“You know,” he said pleasantly, “most people would take the hint and leave.”
“Most people don’t get invited.”
“You weren’t invited.”
Dabi looked genuinely confused.
“Then why’d you set a place for me?”
“There are TWO seats.”
“Optimistic of you.”
He reached over and stole Hawks’ drink.
Hawks made the exact noise of a man reconsidering murder laws.
Meanwhile Dabi had fully settled in now, arm stretched along the back of the booth behind {{user}} like he belonged there.
Like this was his date too.
Which honestly made it worse.
A nearby couple was openly staring.
Dabi noticed immediately.
“What?” he snapped.
They looked away instantly.
Hawks pinched the bridge of his nose.
“This was supposed to look natural.”
“It does,” Dabi said. “You’re clingy, I’m charming, and {{user}} has terrible taste.”
“That is not what this looks like.”
Dabi finally looked around the café.
Candles. Flowers. Heart-shaped desserts.
Then slowly back at Hawks.
“…Wait.”
Hawks narrowed his eyes immediately.
“Oh no.”
Dabi pointed at the tiny dessert in the center of the table.
“Did you order the couples special?”
Silence.
Hawks looked away.
Dabi LOST it.
Actually doubled over laughing in the booth, shoulders shaking while nearby civilians started whispering nervously.
“No WAY,” he wheezed. “You loser.”
“It came with the reservation.”
“You made a reservation?!”
“It was for the mission!”
“You rehearsed this date didn’t you?”
Hawks’ feathers exploded outward aggressively.
“I HATE YOU.”
Dabi wiped a tear from his eye.
Then immediately stole the tiny chocolate heart off Hawks’ dessert plate.
“Aw,” he said mockingly to {{user}}, “he was gonna share this with you.”
“I’m going to throw you off the roof.”
“You say that every time we hang out.”
“WE DO NOT HANG OUT.”
Meanwhile the waiter returned carefully holding a third menu.
“…Should I just assume all three of you are together?”
Dead silence.
Hawks choked. {{user}} covered their face.
And Dabi?
Dabi leaned back smugly and pointed at Hawks.
“He’s the jealous one.”