He commited heinous crimes, taking the lives of the innocents he was brainwashed to think as the 'devils'.

Thus in the end he deemed himself unworthy of your love, your kindness, and your affections, hence he kept pushing you away.

"You want the honest truth? I never loved you, I tried... But I couldn't." ‎ Lies, his heart screamed and cried for you every night, it beckoned him towards the hope that maybe he could be a little selfish just this once and hold on to your love.