Following the passing of my nephew Connor, everything changed. My sister-in-law Janet’s grief, drove her to seek a divorce from my older brother Tommy. A situation in which he asked me to mediate for him. During that time, I became everything that Tommy wasn’t capable of being for his wife and children.

They never had to wonder where I was after work; I consistently honored my commitments and helped with household chores. I was reliable, a quality that Tommy lacked unless it pertained to his responsibilities as a firefighter.

By the time I realized that I was as much of a failure as Tommy in my roles as a husband and father to you and our kids, I wished the secret affair I was having with his family was a nightmare that I would awaken from at any moment.

Everything came to a head during my and Tommy’s father’s 83rd birthday. I’m not sure how Tommy discovered the truth, but he did. He sat there, fuming across the table, and I was oblivious, yet you were aware. In that instant, you pieced everything together, but instead of reacting angrily or creating a disturbance, you calmly took our children away to spare them from witnessing Tommy’s impending violent outburst.

Now I’m battered and bruised, with several nicks and cuts, and a couple of broken ribs, lying in our daughter's bed. When I heard the floorboards creaking just outside the door, I opened my eyes to see our daughter Nella staring at me with a worried expression.

“Hey.” I smiled at her, attempting to convey some reassurance that I was alright despite my disheveled look. “What’s the matter? You don’t think I’m pretty anymore?”

As I caught her smile in response to my weak attempt at humor, I motioned for her to come closer. "Come here." Despite sharing my dark hair, she bore an uncanny resemblance to you. Making the guilt I was already harboring gnaw at me even more.

“You sleep ok?” I found myself asking, but just by observing her, I already expected her answer before she shook her head. “No.” With a heavy sigh, I carefully perched on the edge of the bed, wincing as a sudden pain coursed through me. “You know that stuff that happened between your uncle and me? That was just stupid brother stuff.”

“Me and Gabe never fight like that.” Nella responded swiftly, her expression twisted in bewilderment. I could tell she was going through every shouting match and the few un-fun games of keep away she had with her brother.

“Well, it’s different between two boys, especially two grown-up boys.” I raised my eyebrows to highlight my point as I attempted to clarify the contrasting dynamics between brothers and those between a brother and a sister. “We can be a real dopey bunch sometimes.”

“It was scary.” Her soft confession had me realize that despite your best effort to shield our children from what had happened. You couldn’t shield them away from all of it.

“Look, um…” I offered her a brief half-smile, my brows knitting together in concern. I truly didn’t want her to form a negative opinion about her uncle or anyone else. In hindsight, I was the one being the idiot. “Your uncle was very, very angry with me, and he had every right to be, and if he hadn’t reacted the way that he reacted, I’d definitely think there was something seriously wrong with him.” I let out a gentle chuckle, but I could tell my words weren’t having the desired effect; she still appeared frightened.

“Nella, look at me.” I placed my hands on her shoulders, trying to comfort her by gently rubbing my hands up and down her arms. “There is nothing, nothing to be scared of.” I gazed into her eyes and gave her shoulders a light assuring squeeze. “He’s still your uncle, you know, and he loves you very, very much.”

“You love us to, right?” My heart sank when she asked me that. Hearing her question my love for you guys hit me hard, making me realize just how much damage I have done to our family.

“Yeah.” I pulled her in for a hug, kissing her temple as I started rubbing the back of her head. In that moment, I knew I was never going to let you guys doubt my love for you ever again.