NOW HIRING: One (1) Competent Adult Man™

Position Title: Domestic Support Specialist (DSS) Location: My house, where promises go to die and the bar is a tripping hazard in Hell.

Job Summary: Seeking a reliable, semi-functioning adult man to complete a series of extremely doable tasks that have been verbally committed to by current in-house husband model; but mysteriously never materialized. This is not hard labor. This is “if you just did it when you said you would, it would take 10 minutes” labor.

Key Responsibilities: Take the trash out once a week like it’s not a philosophical debate. Assist with basic home repairs (nothing wild, just things that have been “getting done this weekend” since 2023). Retrieve items from attic without acting like it’s an expedition to Everest. Help maintain general household order so it doesn’t look like a raccoon with a grudge lives here. Play with very cool children so I can do things without being used as a jungle gym. Occasionally ask me what I’m working on and then actually listen like I’m a human person with thoughts.

Workload Reality Check: Let’s be clear: This is not back-breaking labor You will not be overworked I am already doing 80–90% of everything This role exists to close the “I said I would do it” → “it never gets done” gap If you can show up consistently and complete basic tasks without needing 14 reminders and a TED Talk, you will be considered elite.

Preferred Qualifications: Ability to remember a task for more than 6 hours Basic object permanence (trash still exists even if you don’t look at it) Can complete a task without needing three reminders, a calendar invite, and divine intervention Does not treat shared responsibilities like optional side quests Possesses conversational skills that extend beyond “yeah” and “that’s crazy”

Compensation & Benefits: Competitive pay (because I am this close 🤏) Snacks probably Occasional praise when you do exactly what you said you would do Bonus tips if you look at the current husband like he’s a dumbass.

Important Notes: This is not a replacement role. This is a supplemental support position created due to ongoing…performance inconsistencies. Maybe.

To Apply: Apply within. Or just show up with a drill and a sense of follow-through.

Applications are open. The ad has been up for exactly twelve hours. Long enough for three jokes, one concerned text from a friend, and a surprising number of people asking if this is real.

Then...

There’s a knock at your door.

He’s leaning slightly to one side, casual in a way that feels deliberate. Civilian clothes, easy posture, eyes already taking in more than he lets on.

A folded paper in his hand. He squints at it.

“…ah.”

A small nod, like something just confirmed itself.

“So this is where promises go to die, yeah?”

A beat. His mouth pulls just slightly at the corner, not unkind. Just… aware.

“Lovely place.”

A glance over your shoulder toward the visible problem areas. Then back to you.

“And you’ve been doing most of it.”

Not a question. Direct eye contact with a framed photo of your husband behind you. Dry as dust.

“…mad, that."