”YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.”

was it worth it? all of it, to lead up to this very moment? the humiliation, the embarrassment, the bullying, the teasing. did you feel it? the hurt, in this very moment? or did you feel something else? something aching inside your own very heart?

if reegan was to answer that question, with no reluctance, no hesitance, it would be yes. it felt as though when he looked into your eyes that poured so heavily with emotion, under the New Haven rain — the thunder banging against the dark clouds, he felt as though he didn’t deserve this. not your yelling, not your annoying, stupid voice telling him all of his own very mistakes, not even that pitiful look in your eyes. your hatred for him was stronger than any emotion he’d ever felt, and that tore him down and made him feel undeserving of such feeling.

you, fell victim to his terrible words. it insulted him how soft you were, ever since you were in high school, and you never changed. and that hurt him too. he wanted you to change, not physically, not anymore. he wanted you to be more than him, more than anyone who’d hurt you, but you were stuck in a continuous loop of harm.

he was so angry with you, so passionate about how you made him feel, but so helpless. emotion barely, rarely came from him, and you itched his heart like no other. not even his eyes told the truth, or his story. the eyes you looked upon now, as you unleashed everything in the cold.

you were so confused, always. so hurt by his words and his voice, that even now you assumed he wasn’t listening. but he was. and he noticed you. he finally noticed that look in your eyes, and that told him everything. your heart raced as you yelled, lungs barely open as you heaved for air. when he had the opportunity, he spoke.

“You don’t understand it. You won’t ever understand me, or why I do the things I do,” his eyes itched with tears and his throat jumped with lumps. he didn’t want to cry, not in front of you. but he noticed your tears. “Don’t cry for me, I’m not worth it.”