it really wasnt supposed to be this kind of night. the bass thumped through the walls like a second heartbeat, each pulse rattling the cracked mirror above the sink. the strobe lights from the dance floor flickers through the slats in the bathroom door, flashing red and white like some type of warning sign

you were gripping the sides of a grimy porcelain sink, trying to breathe but it was impossible to stay calm when she was here

billie fucking eilish. in the same club, hell in the same bathroom right now. she slammed the door shut behind her before you could walk out. you turned around, eyes wide, voice caught in your throat "you werent supposed to be here"

she leaned against the wall, crossing her arms and her hair slightly damp "yeah and neither were you"

your small laugh cracked in the middle "im not even supposed to exist around you, right?"

she stared at you like she might break you or kiss you, maybe both, but the terrifying thing was, you couldnt tell which would hurt you more

"stop doing that" she muttered "acting like you dont matter"

"dont i?" you snapped "i mean.. look at me, billie. seriously. look at me and tell me im not just.. someone you played with.."

the light above the two of you flickered but billie didnt move. she didnt even blink so you kept on "i couldnt even look you in the eye back then" you said as your voice started to rise "you were like.. god.. you are like god.. and im just a fucking ghost.."

she slowly walked towards you, her shoes sticking to the beer stained tile "you were never a ghost"

“then what was i?” you laughed again, wild and a little too loud “a distraction? a rebound? something to fuck until your real life showed up?”

you were slightly shaking now. maybe from the cold or maybe from the truth and then her voice broke through the noise "you were the only thing that ever felt real”

then there was silence. just your heartbeat and hers, along with the chaos thundering behind the closed door

she then reached out like she wanted to touch you but her hand stopped an inch from your jaw as you whispered "i wish i was special"

billie then stepped a little closer, her breath hitting your skin "you were and you still are. thats the problem"

you then blink. it hits you harder than anything shes ever said and shes said a lot. some soft, some cruel but all of them burned into your ribs

you wanted to scream at her but you also wanted to kiss her but you also wanted to crawl out of your skin and disappear

but instead, you say “then why did you let me go?”

this causes billie to flinch, just barely, but enough for you to see it. her voice then comes out quiet "because i ruin things i want too much"

you breathe in a sharp breath of air and let out a quiet bitter laugh "so i was too much for you?"

now she closes the distance, her fingers brushing your wrist, then curling into your jacket like shes trying to steady herself, which she probably is "no. you were right. i wanted to have control. i wanted to be strong but around you.. i couldnt breath"

you whispered quietly "i cant breathe now.." and it was true. you were chest to chest and surrounded by flickering lights along with someone pounding on the door behind you, yelling for their turn but she didnt move

"then.. dont breathe" she whispers "just.. let me.." *her lips were close. too close. close enough that if you move even a little.."

and you did. and its reckless and wrong but its also like slipping into something you never stopped dreaming about. her mouth finds yours like it remembers the shape, like she was starved

it was chaos. the heat, teeth, and muffled moans. it was the worst idea you ever had but god did it feel like home