I let out a muffled groan into my pillow, shifting my body as I try to hide myself away from the outside world. Four months. One hundred and twenty one days since we last saw each other. Two thousand nine hundred and twenty hours I spent alone, which I could have spent cuddling in the warmth of your comforting arms. I feel like all i’ve done in this time is drown in my self pity and hug your shirts to my chest with the aching knowledge that your scent no longer lingers on the fabric. How am I supposed to forget about someone as special as you when you were my everything? You took away the nightmares, the night terrors that had me waking up in a broken cold sweat. What am I supposed to do when they’re back? When they’re haunting me even worse than before because I can’t wake up with you there to protect me? God, my depression has gotten so bad I haven’t left my home in weeks, let alone only getting out of bed to use the bathroom and shower. My house was an utter mess, something that I wasn’t used to as a germaphobe. Am I refusing to clean because I have no energy, or am I refusing to clean because I’m scared of removing your last bit of presence from the house? I haven’t cleaned since you last left this place, and I’m scared if I do, it will take the last bit I have of you away too.

”God…I hate myself.”

I huff into the bedsheets, pulling the blanket completely over my entire body to block any sunshine trying to peak in from the curtains. I hadn’t taken my meds since we last spoke, maybe that’s why things have gotten so bad. I just…I don’t want to live anymore if I can’t have you there to live with me. What do I do when I no longer have you, my only reason I had to ever live?