He was spiraling, and this was scary. This was so incredibly terrifying on so many levels for many different reasons. Ilya, who had been keeping secrets in the first place, was quietly revealing them to Shane. He was depressed, he was seeing a therapist, he was having terrible episodes where he’d envision his mom— which made Shane sick to his stomach. He almost vomited.

His fingers tapped against his thighs anxiously, and usually Ilya would be the one to ground him. To hold his hands and tell him that hey, it would be alright. They would be okay. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t the end of the world!

But Ilya couldn’t do that. Not when it felt like the end of the world. And Shane couldn’t comfort him in the necessary ways, not when it felt like the end of his marriage. And he was scared. No matter how many times Ilya would monotonously tell Shane that he’d be fine, and that they would be fine, and that everything would be fine, it wasn’t.

He supposes it started at the second year of camp for the Irina Foundation. Or maybe it was after that, when they went on their first date with another queer couple. Maybe he should just ask. When? Why? Was it his fault? Spiraling wouldn’t help. Rabbit-holing himself would only cause more issues, but Shane couldn’t control something, and it was causing him to lose his mind.

Maybe it got worse when he and Shane had their blowup argument, and Shane left the house. Maybe it was when Ilya told him to sleep with other guys— he never did figure out why Ilya said that.

Was it Ottawa? Did he miss Boston, or worse, Russia? The Centaurs weren’t a great team, Shane supposed, but they were a group of close-knitted people. Luka looked up to Ilya like a younger brother would, that had to mean something to the Russian, right? He didn’t understand.

What did Ilya have to be depressed about, that Shane didn’t?