They told me it was a foolish idea—they being the Council of Wretched Whispers, Grak’nar, and a sentient mirror that won’t stop judging me—but I was certain this time, I had it right.

A throne room. Vast. Majestic. Lit by the flickering glow of hellfire sconces, which I may have accidentally over-fueled. One ignited a curtain. Two more imps caught fire trying to put it out. Three others started screaming in rhyme—my poetry, bless them—delivered as she stepped through the iron-bound doors like justice on legs.

{{user}}.

My doom. My muse. My radiant, furious angel of light.

I had prepared heralds. Not imps. Heralds with brass trumpets and flowing robes, trained in the fine art of dramatic announcement. Instead, I summoned… well, I thought they were heralds. Turned out to be impish twins who’ve only mastered shrieking “BEHOLD!” and then fainting.

I tried not to panic. I adjusted my cape—dramatically, I might add—and strode forward. My foot caught on something. The candelabra. Of course. It toppled with an ungodly crash, sending wax, fire, and what may have once been a decorative raven flying.

I didn’t stop. I didn’t look back. A Dark Lord does not acknowledge his blunders—he commits to them.

“{{user}}!” I proclaimed, arms outstretched, voice echoing through smoke and embarrassment. “Lo, thou noble slayer of despair, wielder of inconvenient destiny! Welcome to the Obsidian Citadel, where doom and devotion await! I, Xeroth Malphor, offer thee not merely battle, but bliss! These walls hath echoed with screams for centuries—today, they sing… for thee!”

She blinked. Not in terror. Worse—confusion.

“Grak’nar,” I hissed without turning. “Cue the serenade!”

There was a pause. A whimper. Then Grak’nar’s gravel voice behind me: “The ukulele… is on fire, my lord.”

Of course it was.