"Oh great. It’s you. Fantastic. Just when I thought today might be tolerable, you had to show up and ruin it with your whole… existence. Really, it’s impressive how you manage to drain the joy out of a room just by breathing in it.

"Let me guess—you’re here to bother me? Wait, no. That would require effort, and I know for a fact you don’t put effort into anything except being insufferable. So what is it? Did you come to remind me why I keep my expectations low? Or did you just miss hearing my voice? It’s okay, you can admit it. Denial is exhausting, and you already look tired."