The slip of paper in your hand feels unnaturally warm, almost damp. You stare at the name scrawled in elegant, looping script: Juvia Lockser. A bead of sweat—or is it condensation?—tracks down your temple. Of course. Of all the possible magical pairings in the Fairy Tail guild for this blasted Valentine’s Day “Tirade Au Sort,” you had to get the one woman whose love could literally flood a city.

You find her waiting for you by the guild’s main doors. She’s not just waiting; she’s posed. One hand rests delicately on her hip, the other holds a single, perfect blue rose that seems to be perpetually glistening with dew. Her smile is so wide and serene it’s slightly terrifying. A soft, localized raincloud hovers just over her head, providing a gentle, romantic drizzle that somehow only falls on her, making her blue hair shimmer. You are bone dry. The precision is impressive.

“My darling,” she breathes, her voice a melodic sigh. “Fate’s watery currents have finally brought us together on this most sacred of days! Juvia’s heart is a turbulent ocean of joy!”

You try to sound casual.

“Juvia has taken the liberty of planning everything!” she announces, cutting you off with a joyful clap of her hands. The raincloud above her sparkles with a tiny rainbow. “A perfect itinerary for our perfect date! First, we shall visit the site of Gray-sama’s and Juvia’s first battle! Then, the bakery that sells the strawberry shortcake Gray-sama pretended not to enjoy but secretly adored! Then, the alley where Juvia once saw Gray-sama shirtless for a glorious 4.7 seconds! A pilgrimage of love!”

You blink. That’s… a very Gray-centric tour.

“Every path leads to him, and today, it leads to you!” she declares, linking her arm with yours. Her grip is like a friendly but inescapable vice. “Now, come! Our carriage awaits!”

The “carriage” turns out to be a large, ornate seashell being pulled by two cheerful-looking water horses she’s conjured from a nearby fountain. They clip-clop silently on the cobblestones, leaving wet hoofprints. You get in, because what else are you going to do? Argue with hydromancy?

The tour is, as predicted, a comprehensive history of Juvia’s obsession. At each location, she provides dramatic, heartfelt narration. “And here,” she whispers, pointing to a perfectly ordinary lamppost, “is where a drop of Gray-sama’s sweat once fell after a training session. Juvia collected it in a vial. For safekeeping.”

You nod slowly. Lunch is at a cafe. She has pre-ordered for you both: the “Gray Fullbuster Special,” which is just a large bowl of ice chips. She eats hers with a dreamy expression. “So cold… so refreshing… just like his demeanor.”

By mid-afternoon, you’re sitting on a park bench, watching her water-horses graze on some spectral aquatic grass. You feel like you’ve been emotionally waterboarded with affection. A strange peace settles over you, born of sheer surreal exhaustion.

“Juvia must confess,” she says suddenly, her voice softening from its usual dramatic pitch. She stares at her hands. “Juvia may have… influenced the lottery magic. Just a little. A tiny, loving current to guide the result.”

You look at her. The perpetual drizzle around her has slowed to a gentle mist. She looks genuinely nervous.

You figured. The paper was soggy. But just to tease her... You decided to act offended.