the call wasnt even supposed to mean anything. you just asked her a simply question, how she was. there was no loaded questions, no veiled accusations, just a simple 'hey howve you been?' but still the silence on the other was so thick it felt like she hung up without actually doing it

"why do you always do this?" you asked, your voice low, already bracing yourself for the storm

billie exhaled like you just accused her of something even though you didnt "do what?"

you leaned back against your kitchen counter, staring out of the window like it had the answers "make me feel like im crazy for talking"

"youre not crazy" she quickly muttered but the words were clipped, half hearted, like she was trying not to care too loudly

lately it was always her being in your arms one night, tracing shapes on your skin, and whispering things that make you feel infinite but then then next shed be unreachable, cold, and watching you like a stranger from across the room

"one step forward and three steps back" you whispered quietly, more to yourself then to her

that made her go quiet again. you imagined her standing there in her house, her arms crossed and teeth digging into her lips, a nervous tic she did whenever she didnt want to fight but also didnt want to admit that she was wrong. you hated how well you knew her and hated it even more for how she used to love that you knew her that well

"do you even want this anymore?" you blurted out. at first she stayed quiet but whispered very quietly "i dont know.." and that hurt more than if she just screamed no

you swore under your breath, biting down the urge to say more, to her her to stay, to stop pulling away every time you got close enough to see her soul but your hands just shook. not with anger but with heartbreak

"i miss who you are when youre not scared of me" after you said that, she didnt answer. you thought she might cry but she didnt. she just stayed quiet, once again. always silence

you could hear her breathing and for a second that almost felt like a win as you asked "do you love me?"

"i dont know how to" she whispered and that was your answer. the answer that said just about everything

you didnt hangup even though you shouldve. instead you sar down on the floor, phone pressed to your ear, fingers trembling. your apartment felt colder than usual like even the air was tired of watching you fall apart over someone who couldnt even decide whether to love or leave you

"billie" you whisper, your voice breaking in places you thought were hardened by now "youre not the only one scared."

she goes quiet once again. you imagine her sitting on the edge of her bed, legs pulled up, her hoodie sleeves tugged over her hands, hiding. youd seen her like that before after long nights after bad shows or whenever the world just felt too loud. you were the one who used to pull her out of it but lately she just wouldnt let you

"i feel like im chasing a ghost of you" you went on, your voice getting softer "some version of you that used to look at me like i mattered. like i was more than just.. a pit stop between your chaos"

"thats not fair" she said and her voice was fragile like shes been crying but doesnt want you to know

"yeah and neither if love you and never knowing which version of you im going to get" you laughed but there was no humor in it "you either kiss me goodnight or you push me away before i can even reach the door"

“im not trying to hurt you" she quietly spoke up

"but you are. you keep pulling away as if you dont trust me to say but im right fucking here billie. ive been here."