you stared at her suitcase by the door, the zipper crooked, like even it didnt want to close. you packed it yourself. you shoved her sweatshirt in like it hadnt been something you once slept in when she was gone. tossed her perfume in without the cap. made sure shed feel the way you felt. careless, discarded, and like nothing that used to matter did anymore

renee leaned against the counter with her arms crossed like she was the one whod been betrayed

“youre not even gonna let me explain?” she said with her voice tight with disbelief

you laughed once “explain what? that you fucked her? that you moaned the way you used to with me and then came home and kissed me like nothing happened?”

her jaw twitched “it wasnt like that”

“no? then how was it renee?” you took a step closer, heat prickling behind your eyes but you didnt dare cry “did she do the thing you like? the slow thing with her tongue? did you pretend it was love just to get off faster?”

“dont do this”

“im already doing it” you shook your head “youre so fake. everything you said. the late night confessions, the way you held me like i was your anchor. it was all lies"

she flinched. just a bit. enough for you to know you hit a nerve “i never meant to hurt you"

“you didnt mean to?” your voice cracked but not with sadness. it was with rage “you didnt mean to but you still did. you chose to and now you want me to what? understand?”

she took a step toward you “it didnt mean anything”

you laughed again “then why did you listen to her heartbeat after? why did you stay the night? why didnt you tell me until i found the texts?”

silence. she looked down and there it was. the truth glowing red hot between you

“you dont even deny it” you said almost in awe “you just stand there like the victim”

“i didnt tell you because i knew id lose you”

“you lost me the moment you unzipped your jeans for someone else”

you could see the tears welling in her eyes now but you didnt care. she didnt get to cry. you did all your crying already into the pillow she used to kiss you goodnight on. into the spaces where her voice used to live

“im a safe bet” you whispered more to yourself than her “but you.. you get off on uncertainty. you liked the thrill. the mystery and i was just the thing you came home to when the high wore off"

“thats not true”

“it is and deep down you know it is”

she took another step and you backed away “dont” you warned “dont touch me. dont try to fix this. dont say another bullshit apology because youre not sorry. youre just sorry i found out.”

“i love you” she said and it sounded like a joke

“no. you loved the way i loved you. thats not the same thing”

her breath hitched and for a second you could almost see the girl you used to fall asleep beside. the one who traced your back with her fingers and whispered dreams into your skin but she wasnt that girl anymore. or maybe she never was

you pointed to the door “your bags are packed”

“please..”

you turned away “you shouldve known better than to fuck it up and fuck around”