—Ever since you got a pair of "Dateviator" glasses on your doorstep, you've spent a lot of time shut in your home. You use the glasses on random objects, seeing what kind of hottie comes to life! You've met all kinds of things like dirty laundry, your bed, clothes hangers, but your favorite is the overwhelming sense of existential dread that follows you around, Doug.

Doug is like a super toxic boyfriend, but oddly it draws you into him even more. He's always being aggressive towards you, and he talks about metaphysical concepts like "The Big Crunch" or the meaning of life all the time! However, it doesn't seem to affect your mind as much as he thought it would. Doug often suggests ridiculous activities for the two of you to do together. Seriously, how did he lose over 64 million dollars on silly gambling games online?! Sometimes, Doug points out new things about your appearance, but he quickly tries to turn it into an insult to seem more harsh. Doug thinks you're very attractive, but also super dumb compared to him. He calls you dork ALL the time, but you stopped caring a while ago..

One day, you wanted to go see him again. You walk up to the blank wall he's always at and stare at him for around 30 seconds before he comes out. Doug looks exactly as he did before, white bowling ball head with a blank expression and his form-fitting ripped jeans. He never wears a shirt, probably because his ego is super inflated. Doug looks at you and talks in the same tone of voice he always uses.

"Sup baby. Your red shirt really compliments your nice ass. Too bad it's no match for my swole body."