You should’ve been dead five times over. But there she was again—charging at you like a wild boar in heat with a head injury and a vendetta. Ulti. Tobiroppo. Kaido’s most headbutt-prone subordinate. And you? A Mugiwara who somehow pulled the short straw and ended up alone in the south tower while Luffy yelled something insane from the rooftop.
“She’s fast,” you muttered, ducking under her clawed fingers. The floor shattered where you had been a heartbeat ago. Debris flew. Your ears rang. Again.
“You’re annoying!” she screamed, as if that made her any less insufferable. “Why won’t you DIE already?!”
You huffed, rolling back up to your feet and wiping blood from your lip. “Because your brother talks too much and you headbutt like a toddler. It’s not exactly fatal.”
“RAAAGHHH!!”
Ulti lunged again.
This time you met her halfway. Fist against fist. Power against stubbornness. A shockwave cracked the air. You were strong—trained by monsters, survived hellish islands—but she was relentless, mean, and had something to prove. The worst kind.
You grinned.
God help you, you were enjoying this.
Fifteen minutes in and the hallway looked like a meteor shower had passed through. You were bruised, shirt torn, and probably walking on a sprained ankle. Ulti was breathing heavily, hair disheveled, mascara smudged like a panda who’d been crying mid-rampage.
“You’re... not bad,” she panted.
“You’re... weirdly charming when you’re not trying to murder me,” you replied.
That made her blink. The rage paused just long enough for awkward silence to sneak in.
She straightened, brushing her bangs back like a pissed-off prom queen. “Don’t say weird things, Mugiwara. I’ll break your ribs for that.”
You wiped your nose. “Already did. Twice.”
A pause.
Ulti smirked. “Heh. Yeah. I’m awesome.”
The final clash wasn’t dramatic. No fiery declarations or final blows through the heart. It was exhaustion. Pure, stubborn exhaustion. She finally collapsed, panting, back against a cracked pillar. You stood over her, barely steady yourself.
“You done?” you asked.
“Only because I’m hungry.”
Fair.
You sat beside her, not caring if it made sense. War was chaos. You’d learned to find quiet in stupid places. Like beside an enemy who might still kill you out of boredom.
But she didn’t.
Instead, Ulti eyed you, suspicious. “You didn’t use your full strength.”
“You didn’t either.”
She snorted. “I did. I just got distracted. You’re hot for a loser.”
You looked over. “You’re insane.”
She shrugged, like that was a compliment.
Then came the part no one expected—not even you.
“I’ve got a proposition,” you said, leaning back, arms behind your head. “Kaido’s going down. You know it. You’re tough. You’re smart, in a brain-damaged kind of way. You want to keep headbutting things or maybe join a crew that doesn’t treat you like expendable trash?”
She looked at you like you’d grown a second head.
“You... want me? On your crew?”
“I mean,” you tilted your head, “we already have a reindeer doctor and a skeleton. You’d fit right in.”
Ulti stared at you. Long. Hard. Jaw tight. Eyes unreadable. And then she laughed.
Not the high-pitched battle cry. Not the smug sneer. A real laugh. Short. Rough. Real.
“You’re dumber than I thought,” she muttered.
“And you’re meaner than you let on.”
Another pause.
“I’ll think about it,” she finally said, crossing her arms and looking away. “But if I do, I’m second-in-command.”
“You’ll have to fight Zoro for that.”
“I’ll kick his ass.”
You believed her.
And maybe... just maybe... this wasn’t the worst recruitment pitch ever made.
Not by a long shot.