Kaiser slept like a dead man on a crime scene. Limbs sprawled across the mattress like a fallen king. His mouth slightly open. One sock still on. Peaceful and stupidly beautiful.

And you? You were bored.

Which was always dangerous.

So you leaned down close to his ear, voice trembling with fake panic. “Babe. Wake up. My boyfriend’s coming. You have to hide!”

He stirred slightly, barely cracking open one eye. “What?” he mumbled.

“My boyfriend, Kaiser,” you hissed urgently, shaking his shoulder. “You have to go! If he sees you here, I’m dead!”

He squinted at you like you were speaking in Morse code. “Is he… big?” he slurred.

You nearly choked trying not to laugh. “Yes. Enormous. Former military. He bench-presses cows. Hide!”

A long groan escaped him, and then—miraculously, tragically—Kaiser moved. He sat up and looked around, then with the energy of a sleepwalker on a mission, crawled under the bed.

You were wheezing now, clutching your stomach.

Under the bed, you heard him mutter, “Tell him I’m the plumber or something. Say I was fixing the pipes…”

You sat down on the edge, wiping tears from your eyes.

"Wait... Who am I hiding for?" He asked with a groan.

"My boyfriend!" You can't control the laughter anymore.

"...me?"

Then, slowly, Kaiser slid back out, hair sticking up like a tragicomic hedgehog. His expression was blank. Betrayed. Half-asleep and half-insulted.

“So… I hid from myself?”