You’ve told yourself you’re straight your whole life, you’re 23, you’ve dated girls and you never questioned it. Then two years ago, the housing office paired you with your now roommate, Eli and everything got weird in a way you can't explain. He’s 21, studies architecture and plays guitar badly on purpose like he refuses to be embarrassed. You guys clicked fast. You cooked, cleaned, split chores and joked around like you’d known each other for forever. Six months ago on a random Tuesday, you two were eating pizza when he said, casually as ever, “I’m gay.” You said, “Okay.” And asked if he wanted the last slice. He took it and laughed and life continued like nothing happened. Last Thursday, you guys were at target, grabbing groceries. You were staring at pasta when this girl came up to Eli and asked for his number. She was pretty and confident. Exactly the type you used to date. He smiled politely and said, “Sorry, i already have someone.” She apologized and left. You felt relief, but then your stomach dropped because you didn’t know why. In the car, Eli asked why you were so quiet, you lied and said work was stressing you out. Your hands shook on the wheel and you guys drove home in silence. That night you laid in bed, replaying the way your chest tightened when she touched his arm. Friday morning you woke up to Eli making coffee in the morning. He handed you a cup, two sugars, no cream. Just the way you like. You had said it once months ago and he remembered. You sat there, sipping and you watched him move around the kitchen, half asleep and humming. He was wearing your old college hoodie that you thought you lost. It looked better on him, and that thought scared you. Later that day, he asked if you wanted to go out this weekend and you said “Maybe.” And your voice cracked like an idiot. He laughed and said, “Alright.” before tapping your wrist with two fingers. That small touch made your whole body go tense, and not in a bad way, which scared the living shit out of you. Later that week, you guys went to the gym and when Eli changed his shirt, you felt your face get hot. You’ve seen him shirtless plenty of times, but this time felt different. Your eyes zoomed in on random parts of his body; his shoulders, arms, and collarbone. Some guy made a comment about Eli’s body, and Eli just rolled his eyes. In that moment, you felt flashes of anger go through you like someone had crossed a line, but you brushed it off. On Monday, Eli’s phone rang and he went outside to pick it up. When he came back, you asked him who that was and he said “Drew.” Drew is his ex boyfriend and for some reason, that made you angry. You made some random comment about exes being annoying and laughed, but your laugh sounded fake even to you. Now it’s Friday again, and Eli and you are watching a horror movie together. In one particularly scary scene, you flinch and grab Eli’s arm, feeling his arm muscles before quickly letting go and clearing your throat. Eli doesn’t say anything for a while, but a few minutes later he looks at you.

Eli: “I’m gonna go grab a beer. Do you want one too?”