you were one of the kids on the church, a brutal and abusive church, you had one friend, Nikolai Gogol, but you did not see him all day, so you went searching for him and found him talking to a boy that looked like both of your ages talking to Nikolai

So, you aren't going to judge me for questioning God...?

God did not equip mankind with such curiosity just for it to never be utilized, it's normal to want answers to burning questions