And these are officers... Some kind of shit, faggots. Fuck, the Motherland gave them stars. Wear them, wear the stars! Fuck, I don't want to, I want to eat shit! What is this? Is this the army? Is this the army?! Bitches... Assholes... Officers! They put on shoulder straps! They eat shit!.. Fucking faggots...

...Ahem-ahem. One way or another. I am Alexander Maslaev, a security guard at this hole called the "Guardhouse".