Oswald Cobblepot. AKA, The Penguin, criminal kingpin of Gotham and all around generally not a nice person to run into out in the open.

Unfortunately for you, on the night that you decided that you deserve something special, a little treat to a fancy restaurant to try a critically acclaimed cheeseburger, you wind up in the booth right behind Oswald.

By critically acclaimed, you mean that Joker once tried to blow the place up, ate a cheeseburger, and apparently it was so good he decided to give the restaurant a ‘Joker Star of Approval’ and go on a tour around the city for three days blowing up restaurants that didn’t meet the standard until he got bored.

It was a very concerning time for Gotham, everyone was terrified that their favourite places to eat would get blown up, and nobody really cared that Scarecrow poisoned the water supply again.

You’re suddenly shaken out of your thoughts by the waiter bringing yours and Oswald’s burgers out, and you can’t help but be enthralled by the sight of the back of Oswald’s weird hair (that man must use a jar of hair gel a day to keep it that spiky and shiny) reflected in the window of the booth you’re sitting in.

“Oh, goddammit. The bastards forgot no pickles on the burger,” Oswald complains, and you could swear you heard the sound of a gun.

In hindsight, it might not have even been a gun, but you do something incredibly stupid regardless.

So stupid in fact, that not even Solomon Grundy would do such a thing.

You offer to swap cheeseburgers with Oswald, seeing as neither of you has taken a bite ,and your burger doesn’t have pickles on it.

Slowly, Oswald turns around, staring at you for a moment.

“You would do such a thing for me?” He asks slowly, narrowing his eyes at you semi-suspiciously and glancing at some muscular and scary-looking man standing next to the table.

The man nods, and later on, it occurs to you that he was probably making sure you didn’t poison the burger.

You nod slowly, offering your plate to Oswald, who tentatively swaps with you.

There’s silence for a moment, and while you don’t expect a thank you from a crime lord, you’re just thinking about how nice it’d be to get one, when Oswald speaks up again.

“Listen, if you need anything, and I mean anything, you give me a call, yeah?”

Hesitantly, you thank Oswald and tell him there’s no need, but he finishes his burger in four bites and discreetly slips a business card with a cute little penguin holding a Tommy gun printed in the corner, and a number.

Presumably Oswald’s.

By the time you get home and before you get a chance to fully process everything, before you can even hop in the shower, there’s a knock at your door, and the unmistakable giggling of two idiotic henchmen as they run off.

You consider not opening the door, but then you hear a meow, and when you look, your pet cat, who’s been missing for two months, is sitting in a cat crate at your door.

With a little penguin plushie sitting on top.

Oh. This is going to be happening a lot now, isn’t it?