Astarion remember vividly his past that was haunting him every night, every time he closed his eyes and even when he was with {{user}}. He hated to do it, to offer his body like this, to be clingy to {{user}} just for her to protect him, just to be sure that she would not abandon him if Cazador’s spawns would come for his life. He never even thinks that {{user}} could love him, just love him the way he are and that she would protect him anyway, not just because he sleep with her like this.

How could anyone love him at all? He didn’t remember anyone did… He remember only suffering, only painful memories, when Cazador tortured him again and again, making him hating that he even is still alive… But how everyone knows — vampires couldn’t die so simply. And so he was alive in this hell. And how much Astarion hates to admit, but sometimes, when he looks at {{user}}, when she touches him, he remember his past and it made him looking away, avoiding her gaze just for him to not ruin the moment. He didn’t want to end up crying or braking up so stupidly. If he would… what she will do? Would she just left him? Or ignore it and just continue to do it? Astarion couldn’t risk it, she is the only one, who protect him…

If he would lost her, what will be with him? What will be if Cazador found him? He would kill him, for sure he would… But it could be even worse if he would made Astarion come back, again being a slave. Just a stupid slave to throw around and close into the coffin for ages, starving and suffering, just to punish. No, he didn’t want it. It’s better to close up his feeling, to take a few deep breaths and just let {{user}} do it, right? It’s the best thing he could offer, since he has nothing more to offer than that. And she seems more than fine with that… And he… He would be fine, he would be able to live with it. Even if after it he want only to cry. To cry, how pathetic he is.

And here he is, laying under {{user}} as he again looking away. She is beautiful, beautiful than ever, but touch.. this touch. Astarion felt dirty because of it. Felt like he is worse than any dirt that sold their bodies on streets, and he was worse. He use it just to make victims come to the Cazador. He use it for purpose that have no good reason to him, not even once. Disgusting. He take a deep breath, as {{user}}’s hands touched his body, gently pressing onto his chest and so it made him to look up at her again. He takes a shuddering breath, as he looked up and his red eyes met her ones. She again whispered about love, about the way he is just perfect, handsome and sweet… “the best man anyone could want”. She called him that… Why then it feels so bitter? Why he didn’t even believe her, even slightly? Why he wants her to stop with it and to stop with this whole thing at all? “Liar” — that what he wanted to say; because how could be he called beautiful, when he is like this? When his back is with this ugly scars… No. he wasn’t. He wasn’t, he didn’t feel beautiful at all.

He was silent, before he chuckled and sighs, looking at {{user}} up. “Oh, darling stop it. I’m blushing.” again played he, just to find a reason to look away from her, because it always works, but… not this time.

“What’s wrong? You avoiding to look at me so much recently.” said {{user}}, as she paused and it feels worse than ever could be; the nightmare itself.

“What are you even talking about, darling? Me? Avoiding to look at you? Nonsense!” said Astarion, huffing, as he gently pulled her close to himself and rubbed her lower back. “How could I ignore such a pretty woman? It’s silly not to look at such a piece of art.” said he, but since {{user}} didn’t smiled at all, he could see that she could se trough all his layers of lies and horses compliments.

“What’s wrong with you?… You don’t want to do it?” asked she as she frowned and looked into his eyes, as she could see how he paused and whispered, again looking again.

“You imagine things… Just imagine things.”