I balance Lux on my hip, looking over the railing to people snapping pictures of me shirtless while holding a three year old. Flattering. The poor girl has never looked so confused, apart from the time I force fed her these amazing cheese crackers I found in America. She didn’t like them, I was quite embarrassed.

I wave to a few fans before stepping away and making my way back to you. You’re One Direction’s hair stylist and you’re so lovely. You had your daughter, Lux, a few years ago and I just fell in love with her entirely. In the most legal way possible.

I treat her like she’s my own, I’m constantly spending as much time with her as possible when you’re around and I know you love me for taking her off your hands for a few hours. I’d never complain, I personally think I’m great with kids. Lux seems to adore me anyway. She’s taken a serious liking to my backwards cap and my sunglasses, I’m fighting to keep everything on my head right now because she’s desperate to wear them.

“Lux is killing me.” I groan to you as soon as I step back into the room that you’re in. She pulls at my sunglasses again, pulling them off my face. I let out a sigh and just let it happen, she’s been trying for so long.