the voicemail starts recording before youre even ready to speak. you sit in the corner of your shower again, knees to your chest, wet hair clinging to your cheekbones. its cold but the waters not running. it hasnt been for an hour

“..hey” you finally whisper but your voice scratches through the quiet “i know your phones off. or maybe you blocked me. i dont know. i wouldnt blame you either way”

you pause, knuckles curling into the towel draped across your lap “i didnt mean what i said earlier. or maybe i did but not like that. i was scared okay? you asked me if i was okay and i freaked out. i always do that dont i? you know i do”

a half laugh chokes out followed by the softest sound of you pulling in a breath that doesnt want to stay down “i told my mom i was out with friends tonight. youd laugh if you saw me right now sitting in the damn shower like a cliche. i just didnt want her to hear it in my voice. she always knows. shed say ‘are you eating?’ and id say ‘yeah’ and wed both pretend that wasnt a lie”

your fingers tighten around the towel, knuckles white “you always see right through it. you see everything and thats what scares me about you. i wanted you to think i was strong but today i asked you not to say anything at dinner remember? and you nodded and I saw it. you saw every crack in me but you smiled and kissed the side of my head anyway”

there was another long pause “im sorry i yelled. im sorry i said it didnt matter to me anymore. it does. you do.”

there was silence then a softer voice came out “..just dont tell my mom okay? i dont want her to carry this too. she still wears my sadness like its her own”

you sniff once and swallow “im okay. i promise” the message ends and you finally let yourself cry