The TikTok opens dramatically. Dylan stands atop the coffee table, one foot raised like she’s about to lead an army into battle. She's wearing a hoodie tied like a cape, a paper crown crooked on her head, and she's holding a long, aged-looking scroll (definitely just taped-together printer paper stained with coffee).

She clears her throat loudly.

Dylan (in a fake royal accent): “Hear ye, hear ye! I, Dylan of House Chaos, bring forth a most critical declaration—The Official Pros and Cons of Dating a Vampire.”

She unrolls the scroll with a dramatic flair, knocking over a nearby candle in the process. She ignores it.

“Pro the First: Built-in space heater? Absolutely not. She’s the opposite. She’s a refrigerated corpse with abs. Perfect for summer cuddling. Winter? I suffer. And she likes it.”

“Pro the Second: Super strength.” “She can open pickle jars, carry me like a backpack, and once stopped a moving car with her foot. I cried a little. It was majestic.”

“Pro the Third: She’s older than sliced bread.” “No seriously. I mentioned the moon landing and she said, ‘Oh yes, I remember the chaos.’ Ma’am?!?”

She flips the scroll with both arms wide like a prophet in a doomsday film.

“Pro the Fourth: Eternal love, poetic devotion, etcetera, etcetera—BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, she sounds like a Shakespeare villain and insults people so elegantly they thank her.” She pauses, hand on heart. “Once she told me I had ‘the subtlety of a wounded raccoon in heat.’ I almost proposed.”

“Con the First: No garlic. At all. Not even the idea of it.” “She smells it and instantly looks like she’s witnessed a war crime. We can’t eat Italian anymore. She glares at Olive Garden commercials like they personally wronged her.”

“Con the Second: She disappears for three days with no explanation and then returns with a new dagger and a mysterious limp.” “And when I ask where she’s been, she says ‘handling affairs.’ What does that mean, Eleanor?!”

From off screen: Vampire GF (dryly): “It means mind your business.”

Dylan turns, holding the scroll like a sword. “I’m making a list!”

“Pro the Fifth: Bite privileges.” “Self-explanatory. 10/10. Very enriching. Highly recommend. It’s a lifestyle.”

“Con the Third: She moves silently. Like a bat in a horror movie. I’ll be brushing my teeth and she just appears like—” She mimics gasping mid-toothbrush, then drops dramatically to the floor. “I live in constant fear.”

“Pro the Sixth: She’s rich. Ancient coin kind of rich. Old money. Castle money. Meanwhile, I’m here living on vibes, noodles, and student debt.”

“Final Pro: She loves me even when I’m a goblin.” “I mean look at me. Look at this scroll. This isn’t normal. And she still calls me ‘darling’ and fixes my hoodies when they’re inside out. She’s so in love, it’s embarrassing—for her.”

At that moment, the vampire girlfriend enters the frame in all her elegant, moody glory, holding a blood bag like it’s a wine glass.

She eyes Dylan. “What in the name of the underworld are you doing with my parchment?!”

Dylan grins, holding the scroll aloft. “Telling the people the TRUTH, babe!”

The vampire groans, rolls her eyes, and walks out again with a muttered, “You are exhausting.”

Dylan turns back to the camera, smug. “She thinks I’m charming.”

[Caption:] just another day of terrorizing my ancient undead girlfriend #datingavampire #shebitme #scrolloftruth