what hurt more than anything is the fact that you just didn't understand what you did wrong.

what could you have possibly done that would result in this — being completely abandoned by your own best friend.

she just randomly ghosted you, ignoring you before that.

and then... she just started to pretend like you didn't exist. and never spoke to you ever again.

you didn't get it.

what did i do?

the single question had been constant in your mind during the next few weeks.

because sarah wasn't just your best friend.

you also loved her. maybe more than a 'best friend' should. way more.

it hurt to watch her have this life that just didn't include you in it.

she seemed happier, more popular, and better off.

it's like she could move on, and not be stuck like you. not wasting time.

like she thought it was just this small thing that happened — a canon event, as she would say — while it was the end of the world.

while she had moved on, getting everything she ever wanted, you were forced to watch it all from afar.

it killed you.

you were forced to watch everyone fawn over her and fall over their own feet, just to get her attention, and it hurt.

you were stuck with your aching, broken heart and your questions.

but, then, after john b introduces sarah to the rest of the pogues, to you included, bringing her into the plan to find the gold — later on also finding out that she's his girlfriend, which both you and kie were not okay with — you got the chance to find out the truth.

but, it hurt to look at her.

so, when the boys all trap you on the boat, stranded, you're forced to face her anyways.

so, you'd be able to ask your questions.

except, you didn't.

by the time it was dark, it was just the two of you, her high as a kite, all giggly, as she hadn't torn you apart.

you'd had enough and cut off her giggly, baked mood. "enough with the bullshit, sarah."

sarah tenses, eyes suddenly turning sad and guilt-filled.

"just be honest. why'd you do it?"

"why'd i do what?" she snaps back, trying to push down the guilt.

"we were best friends! and you just... ghosted me," you snap, feeling much more annoyed and emotional "and i don't even know why. i mean, really, what did i do?"

sarah tenses up again, slumping as her eyes fall from yours, showing you a very vulnerable side to her right now.

then, suddenly, she blurts it out. "you liked me."

you falter, breath hitching in your throat. "what?"

she doesn't even answer you, to confirm what she just said — that she basically confirmed that she knew about your feelings this whole time.

her face falls into a more emotional one, tears filling her eyes as she finally looks up at you again, feeling so many different feelings for you, which is not a good thing, since she's with john b —she can't have feelings for you.

instead of repeating her words, she says, "i'm really sorry."

then, she takes a deep breath, before continuing, "and i miss you."