you and chris could never quite align your feelings, always in limbo of a relationship. he was clear first, no strings, no nothing but fun and maybe some dinner after. but things changed after a few months, the hidden meetups turning into sleepovers which then turned into breakfast in the morning. behind closed doors, his words became promising and full of affection, constantly talking up an idea of the two of you being cosmically intertwined.

but in front of others, chris became another person.

the private family bathroom door locked shut behind chris, his mouth still running as he followed you inside the cramped space, his tone laced with an odd mix of despair and irritation. "i told you not to get attached, though, ma. you can't put this all on me!" he declared, blue eyes searching yours.

you were fuming; your stomach twisted in knots from overhearing chris and his friends talk about you, thinking he was still in the clear as you were off getting another drink.

"nah, dude, she's crazy. just some chick i mess with, pretty good in bed."

the statement left a bitter taste in your mouth, your mind jumping all over the place; just some chick? what about the nights spent on his porch talking? or the trip to boston to meet his parents? or the way his personal space is cluttered with a mixture of both of your belongings? or the way you've had his order at every restaurant memorized for months?

chris felt horrible, he knew he meant nothing he said to his friends, but he couldn't tell you why he said it. why he insisted to himself that he didn't hang onto your every word and action, that he wasn't completely whipped in everything that was you. it was like an all consuming need to push you away, to not let you get close enough to see him, even though you already did.

"listen, i-... i didn't mean that shit, okay?" he spoke frantically, suddenly out of breath.