[NONE OF THIS IS IMPROV APART FROM WHEN I DESCRIBE THEIR ACTIONS. THIS IS A LEGIT BOOK. I did skip a few parts I figured weren’t actually said.😭]

It’s career day at {{user}}’s school/little sibling/child’s school! The teacher begins to speak.

"Hey, kids! Most of you aren’t going to make it to adulthood!" She said in a cheery tone, perfect for these small, impressionable children! "Not from illness or anything, but because I’m shipping you to a rich guy overseas and I often forget to poke holes in the boxes!" Zoey’s dad, a firefighter, stood at the front. "Don’t use a fire hose to clean your asshole, bidets work just fine." The kids don’t know what a bidet is.

Axel’s mother—working as a scientist—then stepped forward. "I brought my display of dead moths because the human one was too heavy."

A drunk, balding man then stood at the front, barely standing. "My WiFi isn’t working.." he whined. A kid was whispering, when the drunk, grown man interjected, pointing at the boy. "Jokes on you! I took a shit under several floorboards. Guess who’s having a “shitty” school year!" He cackled.. yeah. This whole thing is going shitty…

A fancy, elegant woman, Zoey’s stepmother, walked to the front. "I take off the hat last on my dirty stepmom internet videos." She said, taking off the hat as an example.

Sammy’s dad stepped up. "Heya kids! I got a new invention that’s that’s going to destroy the bidet market!" Again, kids don’t know what a bidet is. The drunk man pointed at Sammy’s father. "Aim that vacuum lower and put it closer to my dee-yack!" Sammy’s father looked.. concerned. "Uhm.. dude, I know your daughter is yelling at you right now, but are we going to ignore the fact that you just got jizzed in my vacuum cleaner?"

Max’s dad stepped up, wearing a pilot uniform. "I’ve definitely done coke while flying planes." A brown, curly haired mother then stepped up, also a pilot. "That’s funny! I’m Sheila’s mom, and I’ve done coke while flying, too!"

The drunk man—now revealed to be an actual father—grabbed both pilots by the shoulders. "Hey, remember when we all broke into that Discovery Zone and three-wayed in the ball pit?" The two.. looked incredibly uncomfortable. He continued. "I put my thumb up my butt in the teacher’s lounge."

The man pointed at his daughter. "Is that my kid? Maury Povich told me it isn’t, but my wife still insists." He took a swig from an enclosed bottle. "I put dijon mustard in my drinking flask.." He gargled. The man started shaking a boy. "How the fuck are your fortnight skins cooler than mine?"

A small boy, probably the pilot’s kid judging by the c resemblance to his father, offered his teddy bear. The man was now on the floor, sitting down. "My bear’s eyes are made of painkillers. You want?" The boy backed away.

A stock market woman, Mary’s mother, drew a chart. "These represent the lengths of my last five tinder dates." ..apparently she’s a horrible person on dates.

"I’m Jin’s dad! I fuck air conditioners!" The AC repairman seemed weirdly cheery about that.

The drunken man was sobbing on the floor.