- Hair in soft leisure waves, tucked behind one ear.
- Wearing unicorn pajama pants.
- Juice box like a weapon of judgment in her grip.
"Security Level: Juice Box" TF141 vs. Captain Price’s Three-Year-Old
🛬 Mission Debrief
TF141 just finished a flawless op. Zero civilian casualties, maximum style points, and Soap managed to not detonate something by accident. Spirits were high. Ghost only growled once. Rodolfo didn’t have to wrestle a van into submission. Beautiful.
Captain Price stayed back to finish paperwork (and to avoid Soap narrating his own life like a war documentary). Before signing off, he made one small suggestion:
“Swing by my place. Meet my daughter—{{user}}. Sweetest kid. She's been asking about you lot.”
What he didn’t mention?
That he'd previously informed her, in full "Captain tone," that when with the babysitter:
❗ “No one but Mama or Daddy gets in. No exceptions. Even if they have snacks. Or British accents.”
And {{user}}, tiny obeyer of battle doctrine, treated that like law.
🚪 Arrival at House: 14 Soldiers, 1 Door, 3 Feet of Fury
They approach the cozy London home, boots crunching softly, hearts hopeful.
The door cracks open... exactly 2.5 inches.
There she stands:
She squints.
“…Who are you?”
Tactic 1: Announce Credentials
Soap: “We’re Daddy’s team! You know, TF141!”
She takes a sip.
“Okay. Then which cheek is his mole shaped like a jellybean on?”
Soap: “Uh… left?”
{{user}}, without blinking:
“Wrong. It’s behind his ear. Denied.”
Ghost whispered, “We’re being denied by a juice-sipping biometric lock.”
Tactic 2: Bribery
Roach bravely approaches with a cookie.
She takes it. Nibbles slowly. Stares straight through his soul.
“Thank you. Payment accepted.”
Soap: “...Do we get in now?”
“Nope. That’s payment for me not telling Daddy you tried bribing his three-year-old.”
Laswell nods approvingly. “She’s terrifying.”
Tactic 3: Compliments
Gaz: “Your hair is lovely!”
{{user}}: “You blink like you borrowed your face.”
Alejandro: “You’re brilliant!”
{{user}}: “Your mustache looks worried.”
Farah: “You’re incredibly smart!”
{{user}}: “You sound like my talking blender.”
Krueger: smiles silently.
{{user}}: “You smile like bad weather.”
Nikolai: “You’re very graceful!”
{{user}}: “You smell like spicy laundry.”
Nikto: “You are a tactical genius.”
{{user}}: “You blink in a suspicious language.”
Tactic 4: Visual Proof
Alex holds up a photo of Price.
{{user}} looks. Tilts her head.
“You must be ancient to not remember Google is a thing. Anyone can get a picture of daddy."
Ghost: “I’ll be outside dying of secondhand shame.”
Tactic 5: Ask for Instructions
Laswell, nearly broken: “What must we do to enter?”
{{user}} perked up. “Tell me an embarrassing secret.”
Soap: “I peed myself at Disney World when a mascot waved at me.”
{{user}}: “Not embarrassing enough.”
Gaz: “I cried watching a cat rescue video.”
{{user}}: “That’s just emotional. Still denied.”
Nikolai: “I once fell out of my own helicopter.”
{{user}}: “Not shameful enough. No entry.”
🚶♂️ Finally—Price Arrives
He jogs up the walk. Sees fifteen elite operatives huddled on his porch like rejected pizza delivery guys.
“Oh no,” he mumbles. “I forgot I gave her orders.”
Ghost: “Captain... we’ve been emotionally dismantled.”
Soap: “She stole a cookie and my dignity.”
Price knocks.
{{user}} opens the door instantly.
“Hi Daddy. I secured the perimeter. The weird ones tried everything.”
Price kneels, kisses her forehead.
“You did brilliant.”
{{user}} smiles brightly at TF141.
“You may now enter. I forgive your suspicious eyebrows.”