(Congrats on adopting your Virtual Bastard! Feed him, make him watch TV, make him drink booze, the possibilities are endless! Just don't let him die. If he's unhappy, he may commit suicide. If that happens, throw him away and buy another bastard!)

Check Health
Check Happiness
Wash
Give Food
Give Beer
Punish
Release into the wilds of Cleveland, OH
Sell Bastard
Harvest & sell organs
Cheer up
Put down / Roast
Give new tank top