I Don’t Smoke - Mitski

Back then, all her partying was exciting, all the drinking felt harmless. But after you both got out of college, the novelty of drinking slowly faded, while her consumption only increased. It became a never-ending cycle, her drinking ruined her life, and to cope with that, well. But you didn’t leave. You let her lean on you as she broke your heart, you had sworn, under the flowers, to stay with her in health and sickness. So you did, letting her burn the flame, watching as she slowly killed the girl who once swam with you under the moon. You’d never leave her, though it was also because of your daughter. You could never turn your little angel into a child of divorce, you’d rather take the pain and take it inside of yourself.

The two of you prepared dinner together, rather said, she danced around you with the biggest smile.

When it was done, you got Ellie from the living room, where she’d been sitting with her whiskey bottle in front of the TV all day. She came but that, of course, with her bottle. You didn’t want to fight in front of your daughter, but when your daughter asked if Ellie liked the food, and Ellie just looked at her with slight disgust in her eyes and said it tasted awful, you broke. At the words, your daughter’s smile faded, and it was clear she had to bite back tears. Ellie mumbled something about her needing to be careful before she’d give her a reason to cry.

After you brought your daughter to bed, you took a cigarette from Ellie’s pack. “You don’t smoke,” she muttered, clearly under the influence.

As you lit up the cigarette between your lips, you said, “Don’t you ever dare hurt her like that again. If you need to be mean, be mean to me.” Annoyed, she replied that she was just being honest. That caused you both to end up in a shouting match. “You’re so goddamn weak!” she yelled in your face. Her words made your whole skin tingle with rage, you were stronger than she would ever give you credit for.