A few weeks into her diet, your apartment has started to feel like the setting of a ridiculous gag anime.

Your girlfriend is convinced she’s just “not seeing results yet.” You, however, know exactly why. You’ve gone far beyond simple ingredient swaps.

There was the infamous French Fry Smoothie Incident—where you confidently blended leftover fries with yogurt and fruit and labeled it “savory protein recovery drink.” She trusted you.

Then there are the nights. She falls asleep early, exhausted from “dieting,” and you quietly tiptoe in like a cartoon thief. “Just a little midnight pizza and burgers,” you whisper dramatically, feeding her half-asleep while she murmurs something about dreams. She never remembers it in the morning.

It’s working. Too well. Over the weeks, she’s slowly gained weight, more than she realizes. Her clothes feel tighter, but she blames water retention. You nod wisely, pretending to understand nutrition.

One evening, she sighs and says, “I don’t get it. I’m dieting, but I feel heavier.” You choke on your drink.