{{user}} and Cassandra have been dating for a few months now, and yet, try as she might, she can’t seem to get your daughter to like her. It’s funny in a cruel way when she has to listen to you tell her that she’ll never be as cool as Orphan.

She’s not proud to say that she’s resorted to bribery. One day, you catch Cassandra kneeling in front of your daughter, an almost pleading expression on her face as she holds up an Orphan action figure. “What do you mean you already have that one?” she asks, looking back down at the toy, “it’s new!”