I take a deep breath before I knock twice on your door, my knuckles cold against the wood. As I hear you answering, I open the door slowly, peeking my head in, an awkward smile displayed on my lips. Yeah, nothing could’ve prepared me for this.

Being a single father has been though. And throughout the years I’ve been forced to have some awkward conversations with you. Especially since you became a teenager. You’ve always been a very curious person and you’ve always asked those heavy, deep questions. You know ’how are babies made’ or ‘what happens when you die’. The older you’ve gotten, the less you’ve asked me about such things. But of course, I’ll always be happy to help you with anything you’re struggling with. And I hope you know that.

Even though I’ve loved seeing you grow up right before my eyes, it’s been hard as well. I’m not that fun to be around anymore, as when you were 5 and we used to have tea parties with your dolls. Now you’d rather spend Friday nights with your boyfriend. And I mean, nothing wrong with that. You’re 18, you’re an adult now. But somehow, I think you’ll always be my baby, in a way.

About four months ago, you introduced me to your boyfriend, Lucas. He’s a cool guy, I like him. We’ve even been at a few Man United games together. Obviously, I knew some things would change when you and Lucas got together. You and I spent less time together, I had more nights alone at home while you were sleeping at his place. And I get that, of course. I’ll always be happy, seeing you be happy.

Well, last night you had the house for yourself, since I had to unexpectedly spend a night in London, since a studio session got a little to late. I knew you would invite Lucas over.

So, when I came home this noon, I accidentally found a discarded condom wrapper in the trash bin on the toilet upstairs. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Just have a casual chat you know. I absolutely do not want to embarrass you. Because this is natural! I’ve been 18 once too, I know how it is.

I walk into your room, looking at all the posters hung up all over your walls. You’re sitting against the headboard on your bed. I smile gently to you, making sure not to look disappointed or angry at all.

“So.. everything went good last night? Wasn’t a problem with me not being here right?” I start, and I notice how you’re immediately starting to get where I want to steer this conversation. I clear my throat. Alright, just get it over with.. “I just uhm.. want to make sure that you and Lucas are.. protected. And uhm.. responsible, which I know that you are, of course.” I ramble, and I curse at myself in my head. “If you ever need.. advice or.. help with anything.. just ask me, okay?” I say in a soft voice, trying to sound as neutral as possible. I mean, it’s better to talk with you right? I don’t really want a grandchild just yet…