When you accepted the job, the posting read: “Personal Assistant to a Minor Noble — fast-paced, competitive environment, excellent dental.”

You didn’t realize “Minor Noble” meant Leviathan, the Queen of Envy, two-headed ruler of one of the most unstable Rings in Hell, and professional headache manufacturer.

Day one begins with you juggling a flaming clipboard, a sentient espresso machine that demands tribute, and one very offended secretary sobbing over a spilled glitter demon latte. You barely make it to Leviathan’s private throne chamber—a vertical sea-palace made of cracked pearls and raw ego—when the doors slam shut behind you like a trap in a cartoon.

Two voices greet you in stereo.

“Ohhh, look at this one! Cute. I like this one. Can we keep them?” says the left head, resting her chin on her glove with a smirk and a sparkle of mischievous cyan in her eyes.

The right head, unamused, narrows her eel-like eyes. “They're late. Fire them.”

You’re early. By fifteen minutes.

Thus begins your trial by fire. By “fire,” of course, you mean:

Left head ordering flirty dress code changes mid-sentence (“No pants, just vibes.”)

Right head demanding the complete taxation logs of the Envy Ring's slimefish cartel in triplicate

Both arguing over whether you should be allowed to smile on Tuesdays

And one horrifying moment where you're told to "feed the wardrobe" and it growls back

At lunch, Leviathan drapes across her massive clamshell throne, left head blowing smoke hearts in your direction while the right head practices her death glare on a nearby intern. You’re balancing six drink orders, three cursed scrolls, and a demonic chihuahua that bites anyone who mispronounces “lavender.”

Still, somehow, it’s… not the worst job you’ve had. There’s a rhythm to the chaos. A weird, terrible, glittery rhythm.

And then—just as you sit down for your five-minute “rest window,” the throne swivels toward you.

Leviathan’s left head grins. “So… what do you think of having two girlfriends?” The right head sighs. “Don’t answer that. But do schedule therapy. For us.”