the bar is hot and crowded with music pulsing like a heartbeat under the floorboards. your drink is melted in your hand and youre pretending to be present and to care while some girl with dark hair and glitter across her chest dances against you. shes cute and laughs a lot but youre not really looking at her. youre looking past her and over her shoulder towards billie

shes across the room, perched on a high stool with her back pressed against the wall like shes holding it up with nothing but her spine and stubbornness. her drink was untouched, her eyes were rimmed in smudged liner, and her mouth was set in that pout that she wears when shes trying too hard not to care

you havent spoken in two brutal weeks. it was breakup number seven. yeah seven times. too many but it never sticks. you both always crawl back like addicts chasing one last high. god its so toxic but its love too. raw. ugly. real. the kind of love that makes you feel alive even when its killing you

you glance back at billie and shes still staring. you know that look so you make a choice

you brush off the girl with a polite smile, mutter something about the bathroom, and head for the back hallway. the bathroom door creaks open and a moment later billie comes in. she leans against the wall like she owns it and knew youd come to her eventually

her hairs a mess in the hottest way possible. her lips are glassy and parted. her eyes.. god. her eyes look like she hasnt slept in days

"you looked good out there" she says, voice flat and a little bitter

"you didnt."

that gets her. she exhales a tired laugh and looks down then back up at you "still a bitch huh?"

you lean against the sink “still a brat."

a long silence stretches as the bathroom hums with bad lighting and bad decisions but then her voice comes out soft but sharp "did you like dancing with her?"

"did you like watching me?"

"i hate this" she whispers "i hate you. i hate how i still want you even when i know were no good"

"billie.."

her eyes flick up, glassy and guarded "weve broken up seven times. were a fucking joke."

you nod "yeah but im still here"

"so am i"

you push off the sink and close the space between you as your hand brushes hers "i was so angry at you but even when im with someone else.. its still you. its always you."

her bottom lip trembles but she sucks it in, biting back whatever shes feeling "then why do we keep doing this?"

"because we dont know how not to"

theres a beat then she kisses you. its not soft or gentle. its desperate and messy, almost painful but its real

you pull her closer, her back hitting the wall again, her fingers sliding into your hair like shes afraid youll disappear